Silent during the chaos
There has been a silence in my thoughts that is nearly daunting during this time of chaos. Dreams have become so close; I can feel the brushing of clouds against my cheeks. The sky has fallen to my limits—grab a hold of it while you can. As the people around me aflame with anxiousness and uncertainty, I am standing still, watching the sky fall. There is no wonder how others are consuming their times, but rather, there is a bright light flashing over my sight and I am blind.
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There is no clarity of what road I soon to embark. There is no certainty of what trials and joys are ahead. No hunch of who will walk into my life and grab me by the waist, turn me around. There is no thoughts of the next step. I am engulfed and drowning in the horizon. I don’t know what I dream about, but I know that it is here.
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The chaos parading beside me is far from a distraction because I am too disengaged in the hype and invested in the brightness of this light, this calling. Nobody can confirm this. Nobody can guide me in the right direction. In the middle of all this disorder, it’s just me, facing this blind faith and passion. And right now, this silence right now, is just so right.
What do I hope for?
Hebrews 6: 10-11, 17-19
God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. 11 We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized.
17 Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 18 God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. 19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20 where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.
Lately I been challenged to ask for a new heart, so I may desires and long and wait for a new hope. There have been a particular disappointment in my life. Disappointments in life highlight a hope that was not fulfilled; and so, I am having to redirect my towards Christ again. Once again, I am reminded of my ultimate hope; rather than my short sighted desires.
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These verses point to human tendency to give up in the face of disappointment (grades, jobs, relationships, other hardships occur…). Instead of putting up the white flag, this verse tells us to persevere in hard work for the Lord, in doing so, we are showing Christ that we have faith in Him and nothing in this world can jeopardize that.
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Finally, the question is asked: Am I actualizing what I REALLY hope for? This caught me off guard because it shows that i have nothing to be disappointed about in the face of disappointment; because in actuality, my hope wasn’t even in that desired event. Rather, it is in a deeper truth and will of God, in the freedom of Christ Jesus.
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Half the times I don’t even realize what I desire, because most of my desires derive from what I have experienced. So, I see how faith is beyond my lived experience here on earth, but is on a divine power of the Holy Spirit, in which I rely on his judgement and discernment, rather than my inclinations.
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So this is what it means to be a Christian, acting out what is written in the word IN FAITH. To deny self everyday, and say Yes Lord to your Will.
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I mean, it ain’t easy. But honestly right now, my formulated plans and desires relentlessly never fail to crumble. My ephemeral hope is quite often selfish and limited. Thus, in this moment when my heart is weighing a ton and I am still wishing that my current expectation be fulfilled, I will wrestle with the Lord, ask him to bless me with wisdom, so that I can not just see, BUT DESIRE, to hope in Him alone.
sometimes your best isn’t enough; but these are the moments you understand perseverance. #gohard #alldayeveryday
Holy Spirit Shower
Singing these throwback worship songs in the shower; over and over again. These are the best holy ghost meetings. I didn’t even realize how bad I needed to just stop and PRAISE God. Nothing feels better than than being consumed with gratitude. So, for those who need a reminder, soak this up:
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When I Think about the Lord,
How He saved me, how He raised me,
How He filled me, with the Holy Ghost.
How He healed me, to the uttermost.
[ Lyrics from: http:
When I Think about the Lord,
How He picked me up and turned me around,
How He placed my feet on solid ground
It makes me wanna shout,
Halleilujiah,
Thank you JESUS,
LORD, your worthy, of all the glory, and all the honor,
And all the praise…
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I’m trading my sorrow
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen
I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy’s gonna be my strength
Working with Noah
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
Lesson learned/learning this academic year: To give it to work; in work, there will be both joy and suffering.
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Working hard to help others. Working hard has felt like sandpaper on skin. Cutting off limbs. Grinding teeth. Spine trembling from sitting too much in the library. Being torn down, debased, and overwhelming sense of incompetency, but keep pushing because there is a purpose. Furthermore, a purpose to serve.
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This academic year, working hard has been humbling. Detracting from the crowd, denying other’s expectation, and finding God’s will, his voice, his purpose.
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Must’ve been how Noah felt?
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Knocking on that wood as passerby men mocked, when inside Noah had a calling, a vision from God to build a massive ark. How many nights did he spend alone pounding nails and sawing wood? How many moments did he spend thinking about what his homies were doing? How beautiful the day was, but he had to work?
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There is this moment in working hard, when all you got left is you and a vision. At that point, no partner, no friend, no family, no professor, can have your back, because they don’t know the detail to your given plan nor strategies to accomplish this plan. And the plan is too big, but God sees the big picture, and gives you work. So you work blindly, not knowing how big the mountain is that you are chipping away at. But you keep digging because you know that this is what God wants, and you know that God’s will is good, and you know that God’s will will help others.
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In that last stretch, you feel every inch of growth contorting your bone structure and snapping your tendons; you feel the stretch. But you know, that this is hard work. Sacrificing it all for something greater. And in the middle of blind pain and discipline, there is this vague overcoming of peace and joy. Because you feel yourself viscerally working; and knowing that all that work is not done in vain, but with faith, that the Lord will use every task to build his Kingdom, his Church, bring healing, bring peace.
my inconclusive thoughts on privilege
as i have been hopping from library to library, i realize the many privileges in my life. i ask myself, how do i have good stewardship over these privileges? and i find a vague and incomplete answer, leading me to a sort of conclusion: don’t see a privilege as a reflection of identity, rather a set of resources. I do not consider myself to be a part of a privileged society, a privileged group; or have a privileged identity. rather i have accumulated and was provided certain privileges. In doing so, i see myself having a hammer in one hand, a screwdriver in another, a saw in my backpack; all these tools to do something and build something that serves a greater purpose than embellishing my life with worldly accolades.
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often times, i’ve understood privilege as uppity. but now, i realize it’s all about perspective. i see though, how easily privileges can become a generator of pride. but what a more fulfilling life journey to know that all possessions in my life are not to be anchored to my soul, but utilized for building something that is greater than me. God has given me all these unexpected and unfathomable blessings.
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what good is being privileged if it is not used to bring freedom and redemption, and most importantly, fulfill my Father’s will, the very Father who sent a King to be a slave, disregarding a privileged status and using his privilege as the Son of God to bridge an eternal gap between me and my Creator. A King becoming a slave, example of what my life ought to look like.
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mark 8:37 Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?
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thus, i will not sell my soul to pride or “privilege,” but see that God has placed many opportunities in my life that I can use to serve like He did.
dear finals week,
i have never ever, been so broken down.
can’t wait till it’s over on tuesday.
reveling in papers and theories
has left me so naked
and insecure,
i need me some,
what’s that word again?
oh yea,
reality
the battle has been won
Psalm 138: 14-16
I praise you, for I am wonderfully made. Wonderful are you woks; my soul knows it very well./ My frame was no hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of he earth./ Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days hat were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
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Yesterday I missed a deadline for one of my finals, and got another one of my final proposals rejected—utter failure. As I was wondering if I was going to graduate, I felt the enemy tempting me to scorn the mind and life that God gave me. Easily in moments of failure I am inclined to be hard on myself and want to be something more, but I realize that in doing so, many times, I shorten the wonderful creation that God has made me to be.
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Even in the midst of failure, I will have faith. It is not the works that define me, but all I do is for the glory of God. Thus, failure is but only an experience, and faith is an eternal state of worship to my Lord and Creator, who has made me, and my brothers and sisters, in the image of him, a beauty and complexity that far surpasses any metric of success in this world.
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I’m not scared to fail anymore because I’ve already won.
