The desire for security is deceiving
God has been silent. In the quietness, the desires of my heart surface. The thorn in my side: The need to know the next step, quick, an indicator of security in my ilfe.
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The desire for security is deceiving. When stability hinges on earthly accommodations, such as a job, an external confirmation, a good grade, a good friend, a high payroll, or any other worldly, or even self-made, measure of success, there is more to be said about the desires of the heart than merely wanting a stable life. When living a confident life depends on such indications of stability, I often see a grip that the need for control has over me. Furthermore, my set expectations leaves little room for risk and taking chances. Furthermore, the fear to do something new act as an impediment from taking a risk on living life in Christ, for he seems to quite often reveal the secrets of His will that I would have never even imagined.
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Questions: Would I be content with living a life unknown? Would I be okay with being single for the rest of my life? Would I be happy if I lived pay-check to pay-check each month after investing so much on my education? Would I be able to find joy if I wrote poems to my grave without any of them being read?
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Though these questions take upon an extreme stance, I find myself cringing when I utter these inquiries. And, I am challenged.
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When these sort of questions are distasteful, I am left wondering how my heart has strayed so far from the simple desire to live life for the sake of Love. What an unpopular life mission in a world where 7-year-olds are hungry to be the next famous Youtube star.
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I could gain every acclamation of this world, but if I had not love, I am merely a clanging gong.
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Ain’t stability tricky? How easily my simple desire to live a life with consistency can deviate me from living life simply to love. So now the question is, What is love? For me, as a follower and servant of Christ, love is God, to serve Him and His people.
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How can I inscribe this mission in my heart?
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Everyday, I need to give up my life, and tell the Beloved, that all my time and devotion is given to him. Tell him that today, I don’t have strength to let go of my stability, but I have a sliver of a desire to do so. Thus, take me as I am, and send me forth to do your mission
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The prayer that weighs on my neck like heavy, iron, necklace: Do your will.
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In this moment of silence, I don’t know what’s going to happen next, don’t know what to expect in the future, don’t know what job I will have next, don’t know who will come and invite themselves into my life…don’t know, but the Lord sets the steps ahead of me. And even when my yearning is life fire of passion, I will burn and trust that He is my salvation, my stability, my security. Let go my desires to have wordly securities. Be open to loosing myself, my ambitions, every day. He is in control, not me. He will provide for me. I am merely the ax, the clay, the bow, and he is the one who hews, the potter, the archer.
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